If only I had known these words and His promises in my younger days. Oh the comfort it would have supplied in such a dark, despairing place. I spent years of shame hiding under a cheerful mask that would disguise the humiliation I walked around with. Concealing the truth of my emotional state, at times it was hard for me to even recognize it. Feeling alone was my norm, even when I was surrounded by people. Longing for a place to belong even in the midst of a crowd. There always seemed to be this void in my heart, feeling unsure of myself. Fearful of saying or doing the wrong thing. Totally uncomfortable in my own skin. But learning to keep it quiet and unseen. Having a deep desire to please everyone but not knowing how, in reality knowing that was just impossible! I yearned to be loved, accepted and known! Known by whom? (Was a deep rooted question I asked myself quite often)
The emptiness consumed me, loneliness embraced me, choking the very life from me.
As I got older and more independent I discovered that all the hurt and shame that I held onto for so long how now been replaced by bitterness and anger. My heart had hardened and I'd built a wall to keep me in and others out. Knowing I could protect myself from farther damage.
However, ambitious it sounded when playing it out in my head, the sheer reality was that it continued to cause significate wounding. Feeling as if I could control the amount of injury that I would allow to penetrate my soul. Boy, was I mistaken!
As the years went by and life happened, the pain didn't hide itself away as I had hoped it would. In fact it manifested itself through fits of anger and seasons of depression. Those times of depression were some of the darkest moments in my life. Horrible thoughts swallowed me whole during those seasons. Anxiety,apathy,discontentment, guilt, hopelessness,mood swings and sadness had become adjectives to describe me. A prisoner inside my own body and mind. Hurtful actions and causing pain to the very ones who loved me the most and hating myself for it!
I had a quote that I would say during some of my midnight hours.
"I hate having flashbacks from things I don't want to remember." Memories were the death of me. The source of all my self afflicted abuse. There was always a war going on inside my head and trying to "live" while healing from the wounds became another tricky obstacle...one face plant after another! But guess what? I met someone who came into my life and changed the way I thought about myself and He showed me a kindness that wasn't measured by my ability to be "kind" or even "somewhat" of my life all sorted out, (which it was far from)...
But little by little, day after day, stumble after stumble my shades of grey started to become enhanced with an apparent brightness, I could exactly see colors! I was starting to live from a new place. A place so different from what I had known. One with hope and acceptance. Learning to accept the truth that I wasn't what my "past" said about me, in no way did it define me!
I was seeing "Tina" with a new set of eyes and a new heart and I was beginning to love her! Imagine that! Loving ME!!
Today I am free....I am free from the destruction of my thoughts! I am free to be me and love that girl! I can let go of the past and look forward to the future not because of anything that I have done but everything He has done for me. You see my beloved, I have always been loved and accepted, only I wasn't acquainted with it just yet....sometimes it takes brokenness!
It's hard to believe that all the pain and long suffering I endured could be used for good! I LOVE THIS TRUTH...
"You intended to harm me, but God intended it all for good. He brought me to this position so I could save the lives of many people."
Genesis 50:20....
WOW....who would have thought?
Love,
Tina
