Heart of Hope

We don't know how strong we are until being strong is the only choice we have.
Still the truth of these words resonate deep within my soul. A journey down an unknown path would soon be my future. One in which I would travel with more heartache, doubt, fear and pain than I could have ever imagined existed. I was still immature and naïve. But that troublesome road reminds me every day of the absolute truth of God's words spoken to my heart about my unborn child.
"What are you afraid of, Tina?  No matter what happens, I will always be here."
~God~
At the time these words were whispered to me I didn't even know Him. He was a distant God. But his words would soon change my life. As I am writing this the scripture Jeremiah 1:5 keeps reciting itself in my thoughts. "Before I formed you in the womb, I knew you. Before you were born, I set you apart for my holy purpose."

Many of you have heard my story over the years or at least bits and pieces of it through causal conservation or attending a women's event I have spoken at. Unaware that many of you haven't and  after posting a comment on Facebook yesterday I received several private messages asking what was going on so I decided to share this blog today.
Sometimes I forget myself about the condition my son lives with until its time to see the doctor again....how wonderful is that?  By looking at my son you would never know that the heart that beats inside his chest is precisely a miracle. It is truly all that God said it would be!

So let me start with some facts. My son was born with Hypoplastic Left Heart Syndrome-(HLHS) 17 years ago. A birth defect that affects normal blood flow through the heart. It is rare and complex. In HLHS, the left side of the heart is critically underdeveloped. When my son was born the left side of his heart couldn't effectively pump blood to his lungs and to the rest of his body. Babies that are born with this heart defect usually are seriously ill (fatal if undetected) soon after birth and require either surgery or a heart transplant.

During a routine ultrasound at 22 weeks (5 months) we were told that our son would be born with this rare heart condition. One that would require immediate action. At this time I was being seen by a high risk doctor for this pregnancy because my daughter whom was born just 5 months earlier with a heart defect called Aortic Coarctation (the narrowing of the aorta) which was undetected even after many trips to her pediatrician during the first week of her life. When she was 10 days old she suddenly went into heart failure and shock. After being transported by ambulance she was admitted into our local children's hospital where they performed emergency heart surgery however she passed away several weeks later due to organ failure. It was one of the hardest and darkest times in my life. She would be 18 years old and no doubt a beautiful young lady, We miss her dearly but know we will hold her in our arms again one day.

Shocked by the news that yet another one of our babies were going to be born extremely sick and with only a 20% chance of survival. Not only were we distraught by this discovery but so were our pediatric cardiologist. We all cried in that room together that day. During that appointment we were advised to consider terminating the pregnancy. Every emotion imaginable how now taken over every part of my being. I honestly can not remember the days that followed however the fear had shaken the very core of my family and their reaction was the same as our doctors.
Numb and immobilized I made that dreaded call to my OB doctor to hear the horrific plans for terminating. While on this call listening to the nurse describe the plans for the procedure. I felt as if someone or something was squeezing the very life from me. I could not catch my breath and I began to feel nauseated, disoriented and immensely light headed, disconnected from the voice I was hearing on the other end of the phone and losing sight of the reality I was facing, as if I was coming to the end of my life. When I hung up the phone, I went crazy! Screaming, ugly crying and punching the air with so much anger. I was home alone during this time. My mother had my two boys with her and my husband was at work. All I remember was hysterically gasping for air, thinking I am dying and no one is here to help me, screaming at the top of my lungs. And these words formed on my lips as I shouted out to an empty room, IF YOU ARE WHO PEOPLE SAY YOU ARE, I NEED YOU TO TELL ME WHAT TO DO, BECAUSE I AM DYING HERE!! I wasn't even aware of this moment physically. I had let go of it all, my feet gave way from under me and I slide down the wall and cried uncontrollably, all alone. That's when I heard Him speak, audibly and with great force but with a gentle and loving tone.
"What are you afraid of, Tina? I am here no matter what happens."

In that very moment my tragic situation had shifted. I wiped away my tears and even let out a sudden burst of laugher. Mind you I hadn't laughed in months!!! I couldn't explain what had just taken place on the floor of my kitchen that day but one thing I knew for sure....over the next several months I walked with a determination, peace and hope I had never experienced in my life. During my son's first surgery at CHOP (Children's Hospital of Philadelphia) which took place only 3 days after he was born. We were witnessing many babies dying on the cardiac floor, ones with the some heart defect as my son's. Parents we had come to know and share our days with. But never once did God allow the fear or doubt to get near me, in fact I carried such a peace that surpasses all my understanding that even the doctors and nurses took notice. I was experiencing the embrace of a Father's love not only for me but also for my son.
Today Solomon is a healthy, thriving teenager with a clean bill of health and hope for a bright future. The road hasn't been an easy one lots of tears, doctors, hospitals, surgeries and procedures. However we haven't travel solo. We are watching our handsome son grow into a fine young man and had I not listened to those precious words that were spoken in my kitchen that day, we would not have had this incredible gift to cherish and adore.
So friends, my hope for you all today is even when life seems unbearable and overwhelming, open your hearts and your ears and listen to that voice of truth. One that brings hope and peace even in the midst of an outrageous storm.

My hope is in Jesus!
Love,
Tina